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Hey, Group Chat,
Is a Pop-Tart ravioli?
Sincerely, Food Fight
Dear Food Fight,
Yes, they are both slightly rectangular things with fillings. That’s it. Giving this any more thought is a truly slippery slope to stupidity. A Pop-Tart is a ravioli? Ok. Does that mean a Twinkie is a ravioli? A Gusher? A burrito?
Why stop with foods? If we’re just going with shapes and fillings, isn’t a schoolbus technically a ravioli? The cold, metal exterior is the perfect wrapping for the delicious children filling inside. What about that ship that blocked the Suez Canal? How about the earth??!! I’m sick of this. I’m sick of all of you. I’m a ravioli. Are you happy now? ARE YOU???
Katie Mather, who went to college to study this, says… Yes, Pop-Tarts are ravioli.
Pop-Tarts being ravioli is something I always assumed everyone already knew — like how Crest is the best toothpaste and Dasani is the worst bottled water. But then Dylan, who I thought shared similar brain worms to me, surprised me with an insane email that suggested he didn’t understand how food pyramids work.
What is a ravioli if not food sealed around some type of stuffing? What is a Pop-Tart if not the exact same thing? What is marinara sauce if not the equivalent to icing on a Pop-Tart? Yes, the insides are different and you eat them at different times of the day, but fundamentally they are identical. The very essence of what makes up a ravioli is what the inventor of the Pop-Tart was thinking about when they invented one of my go-to Depression Meals™.
If we want to expand this even further, Hot Pockets and Smucker’s Uncrustables are cousins to the Pop-Tart and, thus, are also ravioli. Overall, ravioli actually falls under the “Dumpling” food category and is siblings with gyoza. Did nobody else learn this in second grade?
Jamé Jackson, who never thought this question would ever bother her so much, says… I don’t like existential questions like this. You know, the ones that make you wonder if your reality truly is reality, or if it’s just some warped version of your mind … that’s how I feel right now. I suppose in a world of limitless possibility and where man can choose his own fate … then yes, I guess a Pop-Tart can be a ravioli? A Pop-Tart can be anything it sets its mind to, as long as it believes in itself.
But seriously, a ravioli is what it is based on the shape and the fillings. I’ve had a savory Pop-Tart before, so I technically had a ravioli. People who really believe this isn’t the truth can become super hostile, but it’s the truth. A savory Pop-Tart is to a ravioli what Tia is to Tamera Mowry. What ice is to water. A mirror image. Debate your mom, don’t debate me.
Kelsey Weekman, whose controversial opinions about food classification do not reflect those of her employer, says… The cool thing about language is that it’s all made-up anyway. Pushing its boundaries actually makes you enlightened.
For the sake of the exercise, I’ll define ravioli as a delicious substance sealed inside a more plain substance. That very clearly classifies the Pop-Tart as ravioli. By that logic, pizza rolls are American ravioli, a hot pocket is a dry ravioli, a calzone is pizza ravioli and humans are bone ravioli. Also, a Pop-Tart is a sandwich, and so are hot dogs. This is where I’d say, “Sorry, I don’t make the rules,” but I literally do, and so do you. If you don’t like it, just redefine ravioli.
Dillon Thompson, who has never had a bad food opinion OR a bad Pop-Tart, says …Let’s be clear: A Pop-Tart is not ravioli.
I’d hate to call myself an “expert” on this subject, so all I’ll say is that, for the past year or two, I’ve spent every week of my life covering bizarre food trends. Also, I have the English language on my side. Let me share a definition, from a highly trusted website called Wikipedia Dot Com. I know we all have short attention spans these days, so I’ve bolded the most important words:
Ravioli are a type of pasta comprising a filling enveloped in thin pasta dough.
Pasta. Pasta! Pasta! The crucial point here is that, for something to be ravioli, it has to be made of pasta. If you can find me a Pop-Tart encased in pasta dough (and if you do, please let me know), then maybe I’ll change my stance. Until then, I’m confident knowing I have the facts on my side.
TL;DR… The rules are made up and the points don’t matter! Three out of five editors agree that a Pop-Tart IS ravioli.
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