How to deal with ghosting when dating | ITK: Need to Know

“Ghosting” — a term used to describe when someone you’re seeing romantically abruptly stops communicating with you — has been part of the dating community’s vocabulary for years now. But that doesn’t mean being ghosted stings any less.

Sabrina Zohar, a dating coach and host of the Do the Work podcast, has some deeper insight into the world of ghosting while dating.

What is ghosting?

Zohar explained that ghosting is when you have been dating someone for a month or even years, and everything seems fine until suddenly you never hear from them again.

“They don’t answer your phone calls. They don’t answer your texts. They have disappeared off the face of this earth,” she elaborated. 

As a dating coach, Zohar tried to explain why someone might ghost. One reason she hears from men is that they don’t trust their partners will handle the rejection well — so instead of making someone feel bad or dealing with a potential negative reaction, they just fade away. This might especially happen in the earlier stages of dating. 

“I’ve seen this way more often than I should,” she added.

What doesn’t count as ghosting

According to Zohar, going on one or two dates and not getting a call after is not ghosting. One to two dates is too superficial of a relationship.

“That is just simply that that person wasn’t picking up what you’re putting down,” she explained. “That person isn’t interested in the same things that you are. They didn’t feel the connection.”

She added that “whatever the reason is” that your date wasn’t feeling it, they don’t owe you anything, not even a phone call or text to let you know. 

“While it would be really lovely for somebody to let you know, ‘Hey, wasn’t feeling it or not feeling the connection, I wish you all the best. It was great to meet you,’ they don’t owe that,” Zohar noted. 

Why does ghosting happen?

Zohar reiterated that if you get ghosted, you should understand that it’s never about you — ghosting is a sign of someone’s emotional maturity and what is going on with them. 

“Listen, somebody can not want to date you. That is fine, that is totally OK,” she explained. “But their decision to not articulate that with you shows so much about their emotional maturity, their emotional unavailability and the bandwidth that they are dealing with versus anything it has to do with you.”

Ghosting happens primarily for two reasons:

  1. The person is scared of conflict and can’t handle confrontation.
  2. The person does not have the bandwidth to sit in their own emotions to understand them.

“They bolt because they’re dysregulated [and] their nervous system is feeling really uncomfortable and instead of just being able to articulate that clearly with their partner, they choose to run away,” she explained. “How they chose to handle it is not a direct reflection of you, but more about them and the bandwidth that they are dealing with.”

How should you handle being ghosted?

If you’ve been ghosted Zohar has some straightforward advice: “Consider it a f****** blessing in disguise.”

“Rejection is redirection,” she said. “We don’t want anybody standing in the way that’s going to f*** up the right person from entering your life.”

She added that if you get ghosted every single time you date someone, it could be an opportunity to do some introspective work on yourself.

Zohar recommends asking yourself questions such as:

  • Am I not handling rejection well?
  • Am I not a safe space where people can be honest and open with me, that all of these people feel like they need to bolt instead of converse with me?
  • What are the signs that I am missing about this person’s communication and emotional availability along the way?
  • How do I keep allowing these people who are showing this really poor behavior into my life?
  • How am I overlooking it to the point where I am now ghosted?

Getting ghosted is also an opportunity to explore some of your inner beliefs. Zohar pointed out that if it brings up thoughts like, “What if I was better?” or “I’m not worthy,” it reveals lingering core beliefs that you are not good enough, and ghosting reaffirmed those beliefs. 

“That is where you can start to explore within yourself,” she said. “Where did I learn that? Where did I learn that I’m not good enough and I’m not worthy? That is your own inner work that you can do.”

What to do if the person who ghosted you comes back

According to Zohar, even if someone ghosts you, there is always a chance they will come back and pretend that nothing even happened.

“Sometimes it will happen,” she said. “That person has no shame or they think [it’s] no big deal.”

If that happens, she says you can do one of two things:

  • Ignore them because you have moved on and have established that you don’t want a partner that handles adversity, times of toughness or basic communication by bolting.
  • Let them know that you didn’t appreciate what they did and want nothing to do with them. “You can reciprocate with kindness,” Zohar said.

While Zohar acknowledged that ghosting can hurt, she also pointed out that negatively reacting shows the person they affected you. Therefore, you’re allowing that person to “win” because they’ve now dictated your mood and emotions.

“Indifference, babe, that is way, way harsher than anger,” she advised.

Plus, a neutral response sets a boundary.

“You are letting that person know that their inaction had a reaction and that they now have to be held accountable for what the f*** they have done,” she said.

“Just because somebody comes back to you doesn’t mean that you need to allow it,” Zohar concluded. 

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