Moms, let’s talk about bringing the sexy back after having a baby

Rachel Nicks, a certified doula and fitness expert, is an In The Know by Yahoo parenting contributor. Check out her site, Birth Queen, and follow her on Instagram for more.

Dear Mama,

You are a strong, sexy and powerful queen.

I mean, don’t you feel that way every day? The sleep deprivation, snot, spills, multitasking and schedules — not to mention conflicting societal pressures and all the perfect lies on Instagram — really get me hot. I’m sure you’re equally as turned on by those, too. 

Here is the deal: Do NOT let these kids steal your sexy. I am serious.

I am a 37-year-old mother of two boys, and I feel more confident and sexy than ever. Why? Because I never forget how magical it is to create life, to bring forth life and then nurture that little person into an independent human being, all while doing all the other amazing things we as women do.

The image of the downtrodden, sleep-deprived, chipped-nailed, crusty-heeled, messy bun-wearing, stressed-out mom as the idea of a successful mother is bull****. If mom isn’t good, no one is good. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Mothers must fill their own cup, and it is past due that society prioritizes the care of mothers.

Where to start

So where, as mothers, do we start getting our sexy back?

It starts with YOU.

The best sex happens when you are confident and empowered. That must happen first with yourself. Take the time to see yourself when you look in the mirror. If you do not recognize your reflection, make time to do the things for yourself that you did before you were a mother. You are not ONLY a mother. Identify all of your pieces and feed them.

After a baby, make sure you heal from the inside out and take time for yourself. As new moms, we usually focus on the outside in, but I disagree with that approach. The size of your jeans and having flat abs are not the keys to self-love and confidence. Start with your mind, spirit and pelvic floor. Make the time to process your birth and address any disappointments or traumas. Do your Kegels and visit a pelvic floor therapist to make sure you have healed properly.

Then begin to layer in fitness and other fun forms of exterior self-care like nails, hair, etc. I know you are rolling your eyes and asking, “How will I find the time or money?” You figure it out for everyone else; do the same for yourself. 

Take time for you

Make time to pleasure yourself sexually to learn about this new woman who has earned the title of mother. When you’re ready to include your partner in the party, set aside time, so you’re not preoccupied with the kids and the 85 other things you have to do. Consider a date night, or perhaps a hotel for the day if a night away from the kids doesn’t work. There are hotels that rent for a few hours — and not just the shady ones. Ask your partner to put the kiddos down, then you go shower, set the tone, shift gears and enjoy.

Remember, confidence is sexy. If you start to worry about your postpartum body, remind yourself you are a bad*** queen. (Rachel said so!) Embrace your beauty and your strength. Give yourself grace, and remember you can and will achieve your goals of self-love and whatever size jeans you want to wear. While you are traveling to your goals, enjoy some pleasure.

Strut your stuff, Mama

My dream is that every mama struts her stuff on her way to drop-off, work and pick-up, as well as on date night. I have never stopped doing the things I’ve loved for myself. It’s not always easy to find the time or the money, but I’ve made it happen. I believe it’s helped that I treated my body well when I was pregnant and continued that as a mommy.

Resting and relaxing the mind is key. My go-to’s are acupuncture and working out alone. I encourage you to work out, even with your kiddos, because it’s better than not working out. However, when I get to train with my trainer, even if it’s only once a month, it is such a treat.

I also get my nails, eyebrows and (secret) lashes done. It helps me feel cute when I roll out of bed exhausted. I have always been into getting my nails and feet done.

It’s hilarious — my 4-year-old calls me out when my paint is chipped. It’s so cool, though, because he believes my self-care is important. I have taught him the importance of my self-care by prioritizing it. It’s not a big deal in our house; it’s the norm.

“Mommy, you box today? Mommy, I want you to get red nails… Mommy, oh, you finally got red nails!!” This sounds cute and trivial, but I believe it is really important. My sons will expect their partners to take care of themselves and will encourage them if they stop. We cannot continue to raise humans to think moms don’t deserve care. Mothers deserve to feel beautiful and sexy!

You have an assignment. You got this, Mama. Mark some time on your calendar every single week to feel sexy. It starts with one thing a day. Some new panties, a bath, a face mask or a nap! Do not start worrying about some size or scale. I promise you, boo, that ain’t the answer. We are doing the inside-out then outside-in approach. 

Tell your kids, tell everyone, “My New Year’s resolution is to locate and maintain my sexy. Because I am a bad*** birth queen!”



Photo credit: Michelle Rose Sulcov/Michelle Rose Photo

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If you enjoyed this story, check out why self-care for moms is important from the inside out!

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